04 Jun 2023
When baby Albie passed away in his mum’s arms at only five days old the grief was unimaginable. Nothing could ever make it feel better but being contacted by a complete stranger helped Albie’s parents to contemplate the wider impact of such a personal tribute to their beautiful boy. And it moved them.
It was five years after their heart-breaking tragedy that parents Lauren and Damion Turnham chose the special place in which they wanted to mark their son’s life by having a bench, some ashes and a plaque.
Lauren said: “We knew we wanted something really special and I wanted to take time to find the right place.”
They discovered the area with their other children while getting some exercise during lockdown. It seemed perfect for Albie’s bench – a peaceful woodland area in Jersey Farm within walking distance of their house.
When St Albans resident Liz Thompson felt drawn to reach out through social media, Lauren was overwhelmed with gratitude.
She said: “It gave me so much warmth. It felt so heart-warming that this stranger who I didn’t know had taken the time to acknowledge the bench in that way. I sobbed for ages.”
Liz said: “To be honest I had no idea how big the Facebook group was or how public my post would become. I was just hoping to quietly contact Albie’s parents if they or a friend happened to see it.
“I just wanted the person who had placed the bench to know that there was at least one person thinking of Albie and his parents, no matter how much time had passed or how much of a stranger I am.”
Liz added: “Grief can be very, very lonely and personally.
“Hearing my post had brought such comfort to Lauren and her family was very moving. Albie’s bench is always the one that made me feel most deeply, as clearly there was a desperately sad story behind it, but I do read plaques on every bench or memorial I pass and wonder about the lives of the people they represent.
Lauren said: “Albie was born at 23 weeks old and I had sepsis. I couldn’t hold him when he was born – there were 20 medics in the room and they took him away to work on him.
“It feels really painful a lot of the time and sometimes I can’t talk about it at all. When you lose anyone you can never forget what happens. We didn’t want to put him in a cemetery – his ashes are at home with us – I wanted a place to go and visit and have time to reflect.
“Although it was a personal situation to us – I have realised it might have also helped people who do not have their own memorial place.”
Damian came up with the words for the plaque and Lauren knew straight away that they were exactly what she wanted to say.
Liz said that grief can be very, very lonely and personally. Hearing her post had brought such comfort to Lauren and her family was very moving.
Lauren said: “For me, it is nice to know Albie is loved and thought of. Whether the people who sit on the bench think of Albie or their own losses – that private moment made personal for so many other people and that connection between strangers. It is so touching.”
At anniversaries and on special days, Lauren and Damian and their three other children visit the bench and write messages on balloons and release them.
What this interaction has really highlighted for a lot of people in St Albans is the power of having a place to go to share memories of loved ones – our own and those of others, perhaps.
Liz added: “I have learned as I’ve got older is that you might not know what to say, or you might be scared to say what you want to say, or you might be convinced you’ll get it wrong, but any word or gesture of support can mean an awful lot.
“On the other hand, dodging the bereaved or avoiding the topic of a loss can be devastating. We need to get less awkward about, well, everything, and just reach out to make hard experiences less isolating.”
Counsellor ‘Debbie’ of a Herts branch of the Cruse bereavement charity said: “The loss of a loved person leaves an enormous absence.
“Having a memorial of some kind can provide a place where you can visit and connect with the person you have lost.
“When I see a bench or a tree dedicated to a person who has died, I say their name out loud. It is a way of saying they were here once and they are loved and missed.”
